“I keep thinking you already know. I keep thinking I’ve sent you letters that were only ever written in my mind”- Iain Thomas
Monday, September 29, 2014
Saturday, September 20, 2014
original and unedited manuscript
written by: Joan M. Magsino
Itago natin siya sa pangalang Pogita. Matangkad, maganda ang kanyang pangangatawan at katamtaman ang kanyang kulay. Siya ang una mong mapapansin sa kanilang barkada..
Isang gabi, nagpunta si Pogita sa kaarawan ng isang kaibigan at nabighani siya sa isang babaeng tila isang anghel kung iyong sisilayan, mapupula ang kanyang mga labi at tila nangungusap ang kanyang mga mata. Siya si Mayumi—probinsiyana. Tahimik sa una, may sariling paniniwala, makulit ngunit masayahin naman.
Di nagtagal ay nagpakilala si Pogita kay Mayumi. Sa pamamagitan ng pagmessage sa facebook siya unang nagpakilala. “Hi.” Ngunit hindi ito nireplyan ni Mayumi. Kinaumagahan pag dating sa eskwelahan, nagulat na lamang si Mayumi nang puntahan siya nito sa kanyang silid aralan ng kaibigang nagdiwang ng kanyang kaarawan noong gabi, “Hoy Joan, may gustong makipagkilala sayo!” Nagpanggap si Mayumi na walang narinig. Nang pangalawang ulit ng kaibigan ay sinabi na ang pangalan ng binatang gustong pakipagkilala sa dalaga.
Kinagabihan pagkatapos ng klase, habang nag-aabang sa may sakayan ay ipinakilala ng kaibigan si Pogita kay Mayumi. Ang totoo’y naiinis si Mayumi dahil napaka-mahiyain ni Pogita. Ayaw na ayaw niya ng ganitong lalaki, yung mahina ang loob. Gusto niya madaldal at ipaglalaban siya kahit nasa bingit na ng kamatayan. Ganito lang naman ang gusto ni Mayumi sa isang lalaki, kaya nga’t isa pa lamang ang kanyang nagiging kasintahan.
Dala ng hiya ay nagtatago pa rin si Pogita sa likod ng isang kaibigan sapagkat nahihiya ito kay Mayumi. Tinutukso na ng lahat si Pogita at natatawa lamang si Mayumi sapagkat patuloy pa rin ang pagtago ni Pogita. Nang tingnan ni Mayumi si Pogita sa mata noong gabing iyon ay biglang bumilis ang tibok ng kanyang puso. Hindi niya namalayan na papalapit na pala si Pogita at iniabot ang kanyang kamay at nagpakilala. Natulala si Mayumi. Nagulat. Ngumiti na lamang siya at nakipagkamay sa binata. Agad naman niyang tinanggal ang kamay sa binata.
Lumipas ang mga araw at patuloy ang pakikipagchat ng binata sa dalaga. Sa kadahilanang gusto rin makilala ni Mayumi ang binata ay hindi na nito ipinagkait sa binata. Lumalabas labas sila, nagsisimba, nanonood ng sine at hinahatid kapag uwian. Kung minsan pa’y nilulutuan ni Pogita si Mayumi ng paborito nitong pagkain. In short, masaya sila. Ngunit pagkalipas ng isang linggo nagulat na lamang si Mayumi nang biglang haranahin siya ng binata sa loob ng silid ng dalaga—with matching bouquet of flowers at powerpoint presentation na kung saan ay inilahad niya ang kanyang mga pangako sa dalaga. At ang nagpatigil ng ikot ng mundo nang tanungin ito nang, “Will you be my girlfriend?” Gulat na gulat si Mayumi at tila hindi makagalaw ang kanyang buong katawan. Hindi niya alam ang kanyang gagawin, wala siyang ideya na gagawin ito ni Pogita sapagkat isang linggo pa lamang naman silang nagkakakilala. Walang lumalabas na salita sa kanyang bibig at tila gulat na gulat pa rin ito. Madaming tao doon, nandoon rin ang kanilang propesor. Sa kadahilanang nangingibabaw ang pag-aalinlangan ni Mayumi ay inaya niya si Pogita sa labas at doon sila nag-usap.
“Hindi pa ako handa.” Sabay buntong hininga.
“Maghihintay ako,” tugon ni Pogita.
Napaluha na lamang si Mayumi, gayundin si Pogita at niyakap niya ito ng mahigpit.
Masaya pa rin ang dalawa. Lumipas ang ilang buwan ay nagkakamalabuan na ang dalawa. Sa kadahilanan ng mga maliliit na bagay na siyang ikinasasama ng araw ni Mayumi. Ikinakatakot niya na baka mapabayaan na nito ang pag-aaral, kaya pinatigil na nito si Pogita sa panliligaw.
Lumipas ang isang buwan, may bago ng nililigawan si Pogita. Masakit ito para kay Mayumi. Ngunit hindi niya masisisi si Pogita kung ito ang gusto niyang gawin. Maaring nasaktan si Pogita sa ginawa ni Mayumi ngunit hindi solusyon ang pagkakaroon agad ng mga babae. Walang kaalam alam si Pogita na nasasaktan si Mayumi sa ginagawa niya..
Patuloy ang paglipas ng mga araw, buwan at taon kasabay nito ang patuloy na pakikipagrelasyon ni Pogita sa iba’t ibang babae. Sa katunayan nga ay halos linggo lingo ay iba iba ang kasintahan ng binata. Dahil dito, mas lalong naiisip ni Mayumi na hindi siya karapat dapat sa taong gaya ni Pogita. Siguro nga’y sa kadahilanang lumaki si Pogita nang walang kasamang magulang, kaya’t siya’y naghahanap ng kalinga ng isang kaibigan, kapatid at ina.
Sa ngayon ay isang magandang parte na lamang ng alaala si Pogita sa buhay ni Mayumi. Hindi mapagkakailang pinasaya siya nito kahit sa maikling panahon lamang. Hindi man naging happy ending ang kanilang lovestory ay walang kahit anong dapat pagsisihan sa lahat ng nangyari sa halip ay matutong magmove on at harapin ang kasalukuyan.
Monday, September 15, 2014
There are times I don't know if I made the right decision. Sometimes I catch myself wishing I didn't pick up all the broken pieces and jagged edges of our hearts and put them all back together. I was so brave when I started this. But now, I'm not sure. And the uncertainty of everyday kills me. What if we can't make it? What if it's not you? What if it stop working? What if I was wrong about all the things I thought was right? What if I hurt you? The questions go on and on and then I start hating myself. Because I love you. And I want to take half that love back. Not because I don't really love you, but because it just feels safer that way. Maybe if I give only half my heart, I can keep the other half to myself just in case something goes wrong with the other half I gave you. And that maybe because it will save me a great deal of pain too. I want to take back half of the love because I didn't mean them as much as the other half I gave you. That's how selfish I feel right now.
If there are moments that I seem to be detached from you and everything else, forgive me. I didn't mean to be this indecisive and unpredictable. I didn't mean to be so scared. Scared to be hurt. And scared to hurt you. You see, I truly love you. But I got this whole life ahead of me, tough roads that I'm going to take, rivers that I'm going to cross, and rainbows that I'm going to paint. And it scares me to think that one day I might hurt you because my heart got ridden with all these ugly doubts and hesitations, and you'd think that I didn't really love you. That's not true. I love you. I do. And I'm sorry that I'm always just this scared. Still scared even if you are holding me and keeping everything in tact together so it can work. So scared of falling out an not recovering. Scared this ends in a cold war of us being a complete strangers. So scared of uncertainties. I'm sorry that you always have to put up with all my shit.
I need to find my way back. Back to the time when I said I love you under the moon and all the stars in agreement. Back to the time when the ocean couldn't stop kissing the shore even if it always sent it away. I need to find my way back because in doing that, I'd find the brave version of me in that place and when I do I'm gonna take her with me, so we can create a new path together, carefully and bravely fighting back all the uncertainties, all the fears until I finally find the reason why I started this.
Wednesday, September 03, 2014
Here's the thing: I accidentally deleted three of my posts (Mt. Pinatubo Adventure, Da Vinci Exploration and LEGGO: Ateneo Mash Up) while I was cleaning my published posts. All of them were under the adventure category and contain numerous pictures and lengthy stories. So imagine my dismay upon the deletion of the said posts.
But of course my resourceful self googled the internet to find out ways to somehow recover accidentally deleted posts and fortunately there were a few. The easiest one was the google cache. So I took the time and follow all the instructions but in the end, to further darken my spirits, I wasn’t able to recover the posts.
The problem is, when I get to my cached blog site and try to click the deleted post, it says “You're looking for: myyalternateuniverse.blogspot.com” That infuriated me. In case you didn’t know, this blog used to be “myyalternateuniverse.blogspot.com” but as we can all see it’s not anymore. I tried my luck several times hoping for a little miracle that maybe my deleted post will appear but the cosmos had a different plan—“HA! What’s gone is gone!” (Uhh cosmos, isn’t the saying supposed to be, what’s done is done? *cue mocking laugh here*)
I was so terribly irritated and annoyed and sad but mostly annoyed to the point that my impulsive self decided to delete all the personal post of my adventures which has a lot of photos of my travel and activities. And yes, you've read that right. I deleted everything under the adventures/photo posts category because I am a sulky and an impulsive little bitch who couldn’t get over the things that have been lost. (whuut?)
So there, I rant and rumble about this nuisance that happened to me today. For my own good, not for you. I don’t know if I’ll still be able to blog photo posts because I feel like every time I will it will only remind me of the ghosts of the three deleted posts and I don’t know how to feel about that especially since those three are one of the most viewed entries on my blog. Hashtag, ang corny.
P.S. I kept the Candy Fair 2011 blog post though because that is the oldest post on my blog and I felt like it should stay.
Friday, August 29, 2014
You don't owe anyone an explanation of who you are. They're not entitled to know everything about you. If they can't understand the way that you are, pack up your things and just leave. Do not fit yourself, lower your thinking or conform to what is acceptable to them because one way or another, you're gonna lose yourself. Remember that the best persons in the world are those that make you feel comfortable in your skin and those that forever fuel your soul.
Wednesday, August 06, 2014
Sunday, July 20, 2014
- Receiving an unexpected green dream catcher from a friend
- Finally having the time to re-arrange my room
- Listening to Thinking Out Loud for the nth time in my life. I love you Ed Sheerioo!
- Sincere compliments from friends
- A big jar of raisins covered in milk chocolate (drools..)
- My long bobcat hair (which is growing way too fast by the way and it's just been a month!)
- Talk Dirty // Jason Derulo (heeeh)
- Pizza. Need I say more?
- Late night endless phone calls and skype conversations with you
- You reading poems to me over the phone
- C H A S I N G C A R S
- "It's a full moon here tonight which makes me think of you. Cause I know no matter what I'm doing, no matter where I am, this moon will always be the same size as yours, half a world away."
- School, because allowance!
- School, because Hi crush!
- The cuteness that is my two pamangkins