Monday, September 15, 2014

On uncertainties, being scared and finding the way back.

There are times I don't know if I made the right decision. Sometimes I catch myself wishing I didn't pick up all the broken pieces and jagged edges of our hearts and put them all back together. I was so brave when I started this. But now, I'm not sure. And the uncertainty of everyday kills me. What if we can't make it? What if it's not you? What if it stop working? What if I was wrong about all the things I thought was right? What if I hurt you? The questions go on and on and then I start hating myself. Because I love you. And I want to take half that love back. Not because I don't really love you, but because it just feels safer that way. Maybe if I give only half my heart, I can keep the other half to myself just in case something goes wrong with the other half I gave you. And that maybe because it will save me a great deal of pain too. I want to take back half of the love because I didn't mean them as much as the other half I gave you. That's how selfish I feel right now.

If there are moments that I seem to be detached from you and everything else, forgive me. I didn't mean to be this indecisive and unpredictable. I didn't mean to be so scared. Scared to be hurt. And scared to hurt you. You see, I truly love you. But I got this whole life ahead of me, tough roads that I'm going to take, rivers that I'm going to cross, and rainbows that I'm going to paint. And it scares me to think that one day I might hurt you because my heart got ridden with all these ugly doubts and hesitations, and you'd think that I didn't really love you. That's not true. I love you. I do. And I'm sorry that I'm always just this scared. Still scared even if you are holding me and keeping everything in tact together so it can work. So scared of falling out an not recovering. Scared this ends in a cold war of us being a complete strangers. So scared of uncertainties. I'm sorry that you always have to put up with all my shit.

I need to find my way back. Back to the time when I said I love you under the moon and all the stars in agreement. Back to the time when the ocean couldn't stop kissing the shore even if it always sent it away. I need to find my way back because in doing that, I'd find the brave version of me in that place and when I do I'm gonna take her with me, so we can create a new path together, carefully and bravely fighting back all the uncertainties, all the fears until I finally find the reason why I started this.

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Random rant

Here's the thing: I accidentally deleted three of my posts (Mt. Pinatubo Adventure, Da Vinci Exploration and LEGGO: Ateneo Mash Up) while I was cleaning my published posts. All of them were under the adventure category and contain numerous pictures and lengthy stories. So imagine my dismay upon the deletion of the said posts. 

But of course my resourceful self googled the internet to find out ways to somehow recover accidentally deleted posts and fortunately there were a few. The easiest one was the google cache. So I took the time and follow all the instructions but in the end, to further darken my spirits, I wasn’t able to recover the posts.
The problem is, when I get to my cached blog site and try to click the deleted post, it says “You're looking for:” That infuriated me. In case you didn’t know, this blog used to be “” but as we can all see it’s not anymore. I tried my luck several times hoping for a little miracle that maybe my deleted post will appear but the cosmos had a different plan—“HA! What’s gone is gone!” (Uhh cosmos, isn’t the saying supposed to be, what’s done is done? *cue mocking laugh here*)

I was so terribly irritated and annoyed and sad but mostly annoyed to the point that my impulsive self decided to delete all the personal post of my adventures which has a lot of photos of my travel and activities. And yes, you've read that right. I deleted everything under the adventures/photo posts category because I am a sulky and an impulsive little bitch who couldn’t get over the things that have been lost. (whuut?)

So there, I rant and rumble about this nuisance that happened to me today. For my own good, not for you. I don’t know if I’ll still be able to blog photo posts because I feel like every time I will it will only remind me of the ghosts of the three deleted posts and I don’t know how to feel about that especially since those three are one of the most viewed entries on my blog. Hashtag, ang corny.

P.S. I kept the Candy Fair 2011 blog post though because that is the oldest post on my blog and I felt like it should stay.

Friday, August 29, 2014

You don't owe anyone an explanation of who you are. They're not entitled to know everything about you. If they can't understand the way that you are, pack up your things and just leave. Do not fit yourself, lower your thinking or conform to what is acceptable to them because one way or another, you're gonna lose yourself. Remember that the best persons in the world are those that make you feel comfortable in your skin and those that forever fuel your soul.

Wednesday, August 06, 2014

“I remember it was beautiful,
the night we spent
under the stars.
And although I am under
the same sky tonight,
the stars are not nearly
as beautiful without you.”

Sunday, July 20, 2014

{ The Happy List: #9 }

  1. Receiving an unexpected green dream catcher from a friend
  2. Finally having the time to re-arrange my room
  3. Listening to Thinking Out Loud for the nth time in my life. I love you Ed Sheerioo!
  4. Sincere compliments from friends
  5. A big jar of raisins covered in milk chocolate (drools..)
  6. My long bobcat hair (which is growing way too fast by the way and it's just been a month!)
  7.  Talk Dirty // Jason Derulo (heeeh)
  8. Pizza. Need I say more?
  9. Late night endless phone calls and skype conversations with you
  10. You reading poems to me over the phone
  11. C H A S I N G    C A R S
  12. "It's a full moon here tonight which makes me think of you. Cause I know no matter what I'm doing, no matter where I am, this moon will always be the same size as yours, half a world away."
  13. School, because allowance!
  14. School, because Hi crush!
  15. The cuteness that is my two pamangkins

Saturday, July 12, 2014

traverse, v.

I started to cry, and you quickly said, “No — i mean this part is over. We have to get to the next part.” And I said, “I'm not sure we can.”
Without having to think about it, you replied, “Of course we can.”
“How can you be so sure?” I asked.
And you said, “I'm sure. Isn't that enough?”

An excerpt from David Levithan's The Lover's Dictionary
(Pronouns were changed for the purpose of this blog post)

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

This is how you lose her

This is how you lose her. 
You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.
You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.
She remembers when you forget. 

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the  beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable.She wants to feel cherished.When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate.She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her.
You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.
You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.
And, this is how you keep her.

Excerpt from Junot Diaz, This is How You Lose Her.

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