There are times I don't know if I made the right decision. Sometimes I catch myself wishing I didn't pick up all the broken pieces and jagged edges of our hearts and put them all back together. I was so brave when I started this. But now, I'm not sure. And the uncertainty of everyday kills me. What if we can't make it? What if it's not you? What if it stop working? What if I was wrong about all the things I thought was right? What if I hurt you? The questions go on and on and then I start hating myself. Because I love you. And I want to take half that love back. Not because I don't really love you, but because it just feels safer that way. Maybe if I give only half my heart, I can keep the other half to myself just in case something goes wrong with the other half I gave you. And that maybe because it will save me a great deal of pain too. I want to take back half of the love because I didn't mean them as much as the other half I gave you. That's how selfish I feel right now.
If there are moments that I seem to be detached from you and everything else, forgive me. I didn't mean to be this indecisive and unpredictable. I didn't mean to be so scared. Scared to be hurt. And scared to hurt you. You see, I truly love you. But I got this whole life ahead of me, tough roads that I'm going to take, rivers that I'm going to cross, and rainbows that I'm going to paint. And it scares me to think that one day I might hurt you because my heart got ridden with all these ugly doubts and hesitations, and you'd think that I didn't really love you. That's not true. I love you. I do. And I'm sorry that I'm always just this scared. Still scared even if you are holding me and keeping everything in tact together so it can work. So scared of falling out an not recovering. Scared this ends in a cold war of us being a complete strangers. So scared of uncertainties. I'm sorry that you always have to put up with all my shit.
I need to find my way back. Back to the time when I said I love you under the moon and all the stars in agreement. Back to the time when the ocean couldn't stop kissing the shore even if it always sent it away. I need to find my way back because in doing that, I'd find the brave version of me in that place and when I do I'm gonna take her with me, so we can create a new path together, carefully and bravely fighting back all the uncertainties, all the fears until I finally find the reason why I started this.